My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
