I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Everclear isn't food dammit
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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