Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
