you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You may now shotgun with the bride
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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