Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
