I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
