I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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