2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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