I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
