i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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