Yo dont text me then not text me
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
