At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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