it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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