she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
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Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
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If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
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