i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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