I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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