You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
