if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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