also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
