i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
