who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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