Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I came so hard my ears popped.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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