Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
