Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
