He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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