is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
