if you like me you must not know who I am
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
