So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
