Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Someone shit on the floor
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
