Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
