Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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