Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Found the puke drawer
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
