if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
