Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
