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I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
