we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
