Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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