I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize