i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So apparently I’m into choking now
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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