I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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