I wish my penis had an off switch
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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