Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize