So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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