She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
