anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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