they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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