I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
