You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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