I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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