I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
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