If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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