The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
