you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
