The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
